Balance Can Take a Backseat

A friend posted a link to a blog about motherhood and one of the bullet points hit home with me. Not only for my journey through parenting, but life, really. Honestly, the past 2 years I have been battling the pursuit of balance. It's been tough and the guilt in finding it but not being able to keep it, even tougher. Let's face it. Life is fucking hard.

Am I saying balance is pointless? No. 

What I'm saying is that the author said what I've been feeling but hadn't quite put into words, yet.

"Balance is overrated and easy to market. Attempting to hold a balance in your life (for more than a few minutes) is like holding a handstand for any real length of time: it’s not only exhausting, but it requires so much focus that you end up missing out on the richness all around you. I much prefer the concept of centeredness. Once we find our center (which can require some digging through layers of cultural confusion), there’s always the option to return to this powerful place within, no matter the perceived imbalance all around us."

(Click HERE for the full article)

I read that paragraph and all the sudden so many burdens fell from my shoulders. I know I'm not the only one who seems to wait for permission to be myself before I finally allow it. Little bits and pieces, aspects of my character, I hold back because I don't want to hurt someone, offend someone or take the chance in being disliked. And you know what, there's a whole lot of me that isn't balanced. There's a whole lot of me that loves the highs and lingers in the lows. The idea of balance almost insinuates that there's a problem if things don't "appear" to BE balanced. It's my experience that life has a way of 'encouraging' that state, naturally.

I have spent my fair share of encouraging balance... of seeking success on that narrow, tight rope walk... giving equally to all parts of life. Is that really balance? Is giving your energy and attention to something in the name of balance while ignoring your 'center' truly healthy? 

I don't have an answer to that question. And honestly, I'm not looking for that answer. What I am looking for, however, is my own complete acceptance of who I am in each second of my imperfect life as I grow, evolve and figure out how to navigate... to feel and be present in all that I create.

This past year I started a company. I followed through on a dream that was conceived almost 4 years ago. I invited those closest to me to join in on this dream, to pour in their passions and share in the pursuit of success and fulfillment in the things that mattered to us.

In my mind's eye, it was going to be a beautiful, peaceful combination of friendship and vision. What it ended up being was a shit load of work, tears, introspection, messing up and apologizing, failing and succeeding - over and over. Starting a new company is basically committing to a journey of imbalance. It's like walking in the opposite direction of equilibrium, of tipping a scale to its max and running blindly and wildly in the direction of things that hardly make sense to anyone other than those who know their passion.

But having that sense of obligation, of expectation to be balanced, weighed heavy on me in the midst of the venture. The idea of balance is to bring a sense of peace to an otherwise chaotic and stressful situation. But I don't feel imbalanced until I feel like I'm supposed to be balanced. 

I'm now learning that truly living, takes work. For me, balance will be a secondary pursuit to those passions in my life that make my soul come alive. I will not feel guilty because I didn't follow a cultural expectation, a social obligation or a transcendental ideal of wholeness.

I'm learning that there is an interesting link in my perceived idea of balance and my ability to keep my own cup filled. When I'm empowered, impassioned, inspired and walking in my own authentic character, I have no feelings of imbalance. Yet, when I attempt to share my energy, attention and emotion in ways that stretch me, I feel that imbalance.

So here's to living a hard, fucking beautifully imperfect life because you dare to put yourself out there to live your dreams, to screw up and try again anyway, to getting hurt and giving hurt, learning and forgiving, giving when you can but pouring that love and attention into your cup before you even think about pouring into someone else's cup... to constantly running from one end of the scale to the other because sometimes that's just how the cards fall that day.

And here's to not fighting the lessons you learn along the way... 

No matter what, balanced or not, this is your life. This is your one life to live. 

Really live.

Go do it.

Control Doesn't Always Look Like Hitler

When I think of the word "controlling", I instantly visualize a Hitler-like character, spitting out orders and becoming irate when he doesn't get his way.  I see an obvious mistreatment of those around, as subordinates, inferiors.

What I've never seen until recently, was another form of control. One I'm completely guilty of.

I become incredibly stressed and pained when those around me aren't happy or at peace.  It's not my job to make anyone happy or make sure their circumstances are such that they are at peace.  It's also not my job to understand them or change their perspective in an effort to ease their own stress.  Yet, I seem to do this anyway.

It actually hurts my heart when someone is troubled and I cannot help them.  It affects me to the point that I make it my problem.  That's not healthy.  There is a difference between supporting someone and taking on their drama.  One is a loving and accepting presence, the other harmful and toxic to your own body, mentally, physically and emotionally.

I can see where there were times of fear as a young child and I did whatever I could to pacify a situation, especially my own behavior - so as to not make things worse.  But, there were also times that I desperately wanted to feel safe, secure and stable and I had no control.  The fear that overcomes you in a situation like that as a child is traumatic.  As I grew up, I learned to manipulate the environment and myself so that I could have a sense of safety and security.  I learned how to anticipate volatile situations and position myself in such a way to avoid losing that sense of security.

As an adult, it can manifest in the need for validation.  When I can't be at peace in my circumstance, I seek outside sources (usually friends) to help affirm me. I'm thankful to have people I can go to for comfort, but it's still a band-aid fix until I heal the wounds that trigger my insecurity.

The panic and anxiety on the inside needs love and attention - on the inside.  Applying "outside-in" fixes don't stick.  Weeds must be pulled from the root.

I haven't completely conquered this control 'root' of mine, but I'm aware of its presence and that's more than I was aware of only a short week ago.  I'm practicing being kind to myself (this is pretty new coming from a history of always pushing myself).  I'm practicing listening to my body.  During moments of anxiety and stress, I usually feel pain, burning or pressure in my chest, heart or gut area.  Many times I've taken on this anxiety because I can't control the stress of someone else's situation.  I'm learning to breathe fully, from my center.  I breathe in a love and patience for myself and exhale it to the places in me that have lacked that attention.

It's critical to place boundaries in a way that respects both you and those around you.  While I've known this logically, I'm still learning how to apply it emotionally.  It seems each new day brings a different exercise in patience and boundary setting.

Growth, in most things, means growing pains.  I'm thankful I'm not the same person today that I was yesterday.  I know I won't be the same person tomorrow as I am today.  I am blessed to know and be loved by those with gifts to help me facilitate this growth.

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” - Maya Angelou