What I've never seen until recently, was another form of control. One I'm completely guilty of.
I become incredibly stressed and pained when those around me aren't happy or at peace. It's not my job to make anyone happy or make sure their circumstances are such that they are at peace. It's also not my job to understand them or change their perspective in an effort to ease their own stress. Yet, I seem to do this anyway.
It actually hurts my heart when someone is troubled and I cannot help them. It affects me to the point that I make it my problem. That's not healthy. There is a difference between supporting someone and taking on their drama. One is a loving and accepting presence, the other harmful and toxic to your own body, mentally, physically and emotionally.
I can see where there were times of fear as a young child and I did whatever I could to pacify a situation, especially my own behavior - so as to not make things worse. But, there were also times that I desperately wanted to feel safe, secure and stable and I had no control. The fear that overcomes you in a situation like that as a child is traumatic. As I grew up, I learned to manipulate the environment and myself so that I could have a sense of safety and security. I learned how to anticipate volatile situations and position myself in such a way to avoid losing that sense of security.
As an adult, it can manifest in the need for validation. When I can't be at peace in my circumstance, I seek outside sources (usually friends) to help affirm me. I'm thankful to have people I can go to for comfort, but it's still a band-aid fix until I heal the wounds that trigger my insecurity. The panic and anxiety on the inside needs love and attention - on the inside. Applying "outside-in" fixes don't stick. Weeds must be pulled from the root.
I haven't completely conquered this control 'root' of mine, but I'm aware of its presence and that's more than I was aware of only a short week ago. I'm practicing being kind to myself (this is pretty new coming from a history of always pushing myself). I'm practicing listening to my body. During moments of anxiety and stress, I usually feel pain, burning or pressure in my chest, heart or gut area. Many times I've taken on this anxiety because I can't control the stress of someone else's situation. I'm learning to breathe fully, from my center. I breathe in a love and patience for myself and exhale it to the places in me that have lacked that attention.
It's critical to place boundaries in a way that respects both you and those around you. While I've known this logically, I'm still learning how to apply it emotionally. It seems each new day brings a different exercise in patience and boundary setting.
Growth, in most things, means growing pains. I'm thankful I'm not the same person today that I was yesterday. I know I won't be the same person tomorrow as I am today. I am blessed to know and be loved by those with gifts to help me facilitate this growth.
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” - Maya Angelou
